A Sirius Life
by lifegivesyoulemonsandsugar
Summary: They say humans are made of stardust, and maybe some are more so than others.


All of the characters belong to J.K. Rowling

Sirius Black

1\. Introduction

True to his name, he was a star. Many admired him from far away, how calm he was, how collected. You had to get close to see the turbulence beneath the surface. He lived in Muggle record shops, letting the music soak into him as if enough attachment to the Muggle world could somehow wash away the fact that he was a Pureblood. To be near him was to know the rush of excitement before something dangerous or new, to learn the smirk that followed getting away with something. He was never in his room by curfew, he lived for the excitement of night. They say humans are made of stardust, and maybe some are more so than others.

2\. First Love

In 1963 he was four and he was hiding in his wardrobe. Whoever was found first was it next and he hated being it. He heard footsteps and the door opened slightly and he knew he had been found because Andy's brown eyes were peering at him through the crack, but when she smiled at him he knew she wouldn't tell. Later they sat down to read and he told Andromeda, with all the innocence of a child, that he loved her and that she couldn't replace him, and she laughed and told him she'd never dream of it. In 1972 he was twelve and he found her hiding behind a statue, waiting to leave with Ted. He caught her eyes and smiled at her slightly, and she knew he wouldn't tell. Later he sat down on his bed and stared out the window because she was family and he loved her, and she would never be replaced as his favorite cousin.

3\. Parents

He was a relief. Cygnus and Druella had three daughters, the Blacks needed a son to carry on the family name. Orion and Walburga were not used to being made fun of, and so long as they had an heir, they would get none of the snide remarks their relatives had learned to ignore. They had an heir. Orion was proud of him, insofar as the fact that he was a male. Walburga loved him, as much as she was capable. For the most part, he was ignored, passed off into the hands of tutors who would teach him to be the head of his family. He was a golden child, and that was wonderful. Then he added a splash of crimson into the mix. To be Gryffindor was an atrocity in itself, but to spew ideas of equality was something else, and the peace and mutual indifference was gone, replaced by shouting matches. Some days he looked in the mirror and saw bruises starting to form, and he would lock himself in his room until they were gone. When Sirius was sixteen he left. He was a scandal.

4\. Food

Four people don't easily fit under a cloak, but when they're small it can work. Four pairs of feet shuffled down the corridor, accompanied by excited whispers because James had found them at last, after half a year's worth of midnight searches. A hand reached out and brushed a painting and four pairs of feet stepped through a door and the cloak came off. Mountains of sweets were pressed into newly exposed hands, accompanied by mugs of pumpkin juice and cocoa. They sat contentedly by the fire, eating their fill and sharing grins of victory because they were unstoppable. He smiled and leaned back and looked at Remus and Peter and James and longed for a chance to share his new brothers with Regulus.

5\. Definition of Love

It was midnight and the window was opened into a newly vacated room. If anyone had been awake footsteps would have echoed across the roof as he headed for the prime spot to take off. He reached the edge and paused because, in spite of everything, he didn't want to leave. His hand drifted up to his cheek, where a bruise would surely bloom by morning. A farewell. His trunk lashed onto his broom, he took off and flew for miles, straight on into dawn. He knocked, and then he waited, and the minute seemed to take days, weeks, but the door opened and two hazel eyes took everything in quickly, and he was ushered into a bedroom. Euphemia brought him breakfast in the morning and didn't ask any questions, only held him when he started to cry. Fleamont dropped off a can of red paint to cover the green of the room. James complained long and loud about the Cannons and their awful stats and Remus and Peter came with a story to tell and a bar of Honeyduke's best, which Remus grudgingly shared. He painted the offending areas and laughed with them and quietly marveled over this love and this family he hadn't fully understood that he had.

6\. A Day

He waltzed into Transfiguration, meeting a raised eyebrow with a charming smile, and a declaration that no, his work would not be accepted tomorrow with a laugh and a shrug because at least he'd tried. In Divination, he predicted that Marlene McKinnon would lose her way and end up in a broom cupboard that night, and was met with a laugh and a suggestion of where he could stick the crystal ball he was using, as it was obviously malfunctioning. He talked to James on his mirror as six rags cleaned the trophy case while Filch was gone, charmed by Peter's wand. He wandered the halls in search of a new passage and found two fifth years snogging in the astronomy tower instead. He returned to his dormitory with his friends and fell asleep basked in the light of the stars.

7\. Best Friend

He stared at the baby and he didn't understand why his parents wanted it. It was loud and wrinkly, and he was much better, wasn't he? As it got bigger, he grew to like it more, and he knew that they would never break apart/He stared at the mark and he didn't understand why his brother wanted it. It was cold and ugly against his skin. He backed away from the fight because he could never love this, never understand it. He had run away and his brother had turned to the darkness and they had somehow broken apart.

8\. A Moment

Everything felt wrong. It was like he was drunk, and he briefly wondered if someone had spiked the butterbeer at the Quidditch celebration, but then he remembered that the party had been the night before, and that he had come up to the astronomy tower for some reason. His vision was different, like the world had been distorted, but his hearing and smelling seemed to be heightened. He tried to push off the ground with his hands but he couldn't stay up, whatwaswrongwhatwaswrongwhatwaswrong. He tried to call out and he heard a bark. He was silent. Again, the same. He turned and saw James and Peter, looking frozen with shock and a tiny bit of fear and he _remembered_. He remembered and they had done it. He concentrated on his limbs and felt himself change. The nausea stayed, but things looked right again, and he could stand and they had done it, they had done it for Remus, and it didn't matter that he didn't feel quite right because he was cheering and hugging his friends and in that moment everything felt right.

9\. Beliefs

His tutors said that Muggles were trash and that their children who had magic were tainted and dirty. They must know best/Remus said that people were equal, no matter where they came from. This felt right/His parents said that he was a Black first of all, and the he would make a fine Slytherin. He thought they were right/James said that he could choose his own allegiances, and that he may go to a different house, who knows? The sorting hat agreed/The Slytherins said that he was worthless and stupid, a lousy excuse for a person. He felt this must be true/Peter said that he could measure his worth and intelligence on a different scale. McGonagall's pride as he walked away from the fight affirmed this.

10\. Clothes

His childhood was dress robes and posh play clothes, only the finest materials and the most expensive stores. When she learned he had run away, Andy sent him jeans, and Ted sent a leather jacket along with it. He often wore it with a red shirt advertising The Snitches, or a simple white shirt. On the days before Quidditch matches he wore robes that he had charmed to yell ridiculous instructions in James' voice at random, much to the amusement of the Quidditch team (with the exception of the captain himself).

11\. Siblings

One (1) Birth Brother- Regulus: gray areas, the smell after the rain, a memory of laughter  
Three (3) Adopted Brothers- James, Peter, Remus: Sunlight reflecting off a mirror, the moment silence is interrupted, climbing a tree  
One (1) Adopted Sister- Lily: Finding a lost puzzle piece, an aced examination, a wave brushing your toes

12\. Contents of a Bag

His bag had two special pockets: one for his two-way mirror, the other for important documents (prank plans, the map, a portrait of the marauders). In the main pocket were textbooks (never the correct ones), a dozen broken quills, two ink pots (one empty, the other full of mystery color ink), mandrake leaves from the animagus initiative, and a bracelet borrowed five weeks ago from Marlene as an excuse to be out late ("I was looking for this for Marley, honest"). The front pocket houses various Zonko's products and an experimental alternative to Polyjuice potion (the testing of which is being saved for a moment when he needs a last resort).

13\. A Week

1\. It was coming and they knew it but they laughed and pranked and acted like it was okay / 2. They started to plan and had the usual arguments: deep forest or near forest or field or shack / 3. James was taking notes because Remus was asleep, and Peter was preparing to copy them down later, more legibly / 4. They were outside and running and free and unafraid, not thinking of the consequences if they're found out / 5. Remus is in the Hospital Wing and they're tired but they press on because they can't let the Professors know why they stayed awake until dawn / 6. The usual arguments: it's too dangerous, I could've hurt someone. You could've hurt yourself otherwise / 7. It would come again and they knew it but they laughed and pranked and acted like it was okay

14\. A Dream

He was swallowed by a hippogriff and carried to a land where everything tasted like mandrake leaves. James' interpretation was that they needed to finish this stage of the transformation, and fast.

15\. First Kiss

James would say his friend had kissed so many girls he couldn't remember the first. Peter rolled his eyes and say that he probably hadn't even kissed someone yet and was trying to fool everyone. Remus would shrug and say that it was probably not anything that unusual. Lily would say that it was probably something very unusual, it being him. Marlene would just smile and remember a night when she was fifteen and sitting by the lake and he'd kissed her, just a short kiss, long enough to make them feel as though they were light enough to walk on the air

16\. Favorite Memory

He looked around, taking in all of the changes to what had, a few hours ago, been an empty flat. There was still nothing extraordinary about it, apart from the remarkably ugly chair in the corner (James had picked it out), but in spite of that, it felt warm and cozy. Grimmauld Place had never been somewhere he had felt at home (or, he guessed, _anyone_ had felt at home. The concept was foreign to the likes of Orion and Walburga Black), but here he felt he could relax, maybe invite friends over. Of course, he loved the Potters, but to have a place that was his own was special. He sat down in James' chair and smiled. The world was dangerous and uncertain, and no one could be certain of anything, but at least he had somewhere to return at the end of the day. At least he had a place to call home.

17\. Favorite Birthday

Birthdays were never really funny until he was turning twelve and James, after a night full of attempts, charmed all of the suits of armor to release red and gold bubbles every time someone walked past. Birthdays were never really quiet and gentle until he was turning sixteen and he was sitting down by the lake with Marley at one in the morning, just talking about life. The best birthday was when he was turning nineteen and James and Lily had been missing on a mission for weeks and everyone had told him to expect the worst but this was _James and Lily_ and he just couldn't. He stayed alone all day, but close to midnight he got an owl that told him they'd been found and he apparated to the ministry immediately because if he had one birthday wish, this had been it.

18\. A Regret

He had done it and there was no going back. There were three people in the hospital wing this morning, not one, and it was his fault because he had done it and he had told him and he was sorry he was so so sorry _please_ Moony forgive me. He didn't want forgiveness really. He didn't deserve it. He sat in Dumbledore's office, again, waiting for the headmaster to come. His head was in his hands but he couldn't cry. Usually emotions came so quickly but now he was empty and hollow because he had betrayed his friends, his brothers. He had done it and there was no going back.

19\. A month

The thirty one days of August had never felt so long. They were accompanied by a few small arguments about whether dress robes would be needed or not (he didn't pack them) or if they should get him a new broom (he would, of course, make the team) and so on and so forth. They were accompanied by days of sitting around learning basic spells with his wand so that he wouldn't be totally ignorant when he got there. They were accompanied by longing to go, they were accompanied by fear of what may happen. The long days passed by, and he was boarding a train for the first time. It was September 1, 1971, and he was on his way to Hogwarts.

20\. Something Upsetting

"They're just filthy little _mudbloods_ , that's all they are." He winced at the word, but he'd given up on trying to get her to stop. If Cissy was more like Andy, she'd understand. But she was like Druella- cold, collected, and perfectly pureblood. She was sixteen and soon, he expected, she would be engaged to Lucius Malfoy. He had tried to tell her about the word, tried to explain that muggleborns weren't any different, but she had only laughed and told him how much he didn't understand. So he stayed quiet, not talking about Ted Tonks, Andy's boyfriend, and how kind he was. Not talking about Lily Evans and how she was the best in his year. Not talking about Mary MacDonald and that almost every boy in his year fancied her. He didn't think they were less at all. He thought they were just the same as everyone else, and some of them were extraordinary.

21\. Something Reassuring

 _We are defined by the families we choose, Mr. Black, not the families we are born into.  
_ ~ Minerva McGonagall, upon learning that Bellatrix had been confirmed as a death eater

22\. Something that Brings Tears

The funeral was beautiful, they told him when he got out. Just what they would have wanted. James was dead, and Sirius hadn't been to the funeral. Lily was dead, and Sirius hadn't been to the funeral. He had no closure. It had been different with the others. Marley, Dorcas, Benjy, the Bones family... He had been with friends for those deaths. They had mourned together. James and Lily had had a beautiful funeral. He had never doubted it. Remus would be in charge. But he hadn't been to the funeral. He had been in Azkaban.

23\. A First

They had said to be back by noon, and not to talk to anyone outside of the group. The problem was that the Rosiers were so _boring_. When he was grown up, he would never make his children talk to people this boring. It wasn't fair. He could go on a walk and still be back in time. It was only ten. He announced this, but no one seemed to care much, except Reggie, who waved cheerfully. He set off along the shore, thinking about the injustices in the world. At nine years old, he had no idea of the world. Rounding another curve, he nearly ran into a sandcastle that looked as though it had taken hours to create. The girl next to it had wide eyes, and was clearly relieved that he had stopped in time. "It looks nice." The words were out before he realized what he was doing. "Thank you." She smiled. He smiled back, shakily, and turned around, walking back around the curve and practically sprinting back. He didn't even know her name, but he had broken the rules. She was a muggle, it was off limits, he'd never broken the rule and talked to one before. So why had it felt so normal?

24\. Fears

Top Five:  
1\. Losing his new family like he lost his old one  
2\. His friends dying to protect him  
3\. Not being able to save Harry  
4\. Having to go back to Grimmauld Place  
5\. Breaking and giving away his friends

25\. Favorite Place

The passage to Honeydukes isn't the fastest way into Hogsmeade. The floor has the occasional rock or other obstacle, and you have to be careful not to trip over it. _Dissendium_ had been found in an old spell book at Grimmauld Place the summer after third year, and upon returning back to school, he had tried it on loads of statues, walls, and the like. It wasn't until November that he had success, as the one-eyed witch had opened, revealing his pride and joy: a passage to Honeydukes. Now this passage had been used many times, to supply parties or midnight snacks, and carved into the wall were four sets of initials, a permanent reminder of the brothers who had walked the passage together.

26\. Something Missed

The light had felt warm, he remembered. Not quite like sitting by a fire. This warmth wasn't so consuming. It was like a soft glow was surrounding you, like the rays were giving you a hug. That was the best he could describe it. But it isn't easy to remember things in Azkaban. Especially sunlight. He held on to the memory, because to miss something was better than to never have known it.

27\. Aspirations

He wanted to be an Auror, he told the Professor. He knew he would need to work hard on his OWLs, but it would be worth it. There was a war to be fought, and he wouldn't stand and watch from the sidelines. He had never been able to do that. He wanted to protect his friends, to end this war before something happened to his brothers. To give three of them a chance to live, and the other a chance to turn away from what he had done. He wanted to live fully. He wanted to repay the people who had loved him and sacrificed for to his name, he was a star. and he wanted to shine brightly for all the people he loved.

* * *

Inspiration from .


End file.
